Reading the advice
to moms who want to run for office, I felt my shoulders slump. "DO give
credit: To your support system, like your spouse or partner. DON'T give
too much credit: It could make you sound uninvolved. DO share examples:
Of how you balance your family life. DON'T share too many examples:
Voters want to know you're focused on them."
While walking that tightrope, you can't reveal
any ambivalence. It is important, the Barbara Lee Family Foundation
report emphasizes, to act "confident that you can be both a mother and
their elected official."
The foundation's advice seems absurd. In fact,
the absurd thing is that the advice is actually sound: Being a
successful female candidate requires walking an almost impossibly narrow
tightrope. As a political consultant who has advised hundreds of
candidates, I agree with their every suggestion. But I hope their report
ends up archived along side other historical artifacts of sexism, like
corsets, foot binders and marital advice columns that encourage women to abandon their careers in order to be successful wives and mothers.
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Despite making up 47 percent
of the workforce, working women must constantly navigate the minefields
the foundation's report describes. We need to stop making this only the
ladies' responsibility. In addition to giving the ladies a list of dos
and don'ts, lets offer a list to the fellas.
DO tell the women in your life to run for office, or go for that promotion, and explain to them how you will help them succeed.
Despite being equally qualified, women don't consider themselves as ready for promotions. When women run for office, they are just as likely to win as men. However, men recruited to run assume they will receive help from party leaders, while women must be told explicitly.
DON'T ask women where their children are or who is taking care of them.
I am asked this question every single time I
travel for work. Do folks fear that I left my four-year-old twins and
six-year old at home alone? No. They worry about my children and want to
be reassured that they are cared for. Which is sweet. Until you
consider that they never ever ask my husband this question. They are
implying that my absence is at best, unusual, and at worst, bad for my
daughters.
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DON'T ask women how they balance work and family. You imply that they should feel torn, which many women do – but that is in part because they keep getting this question.
DO ask "working fathers" (isn't that a funny term?) how they balance work and family. It reminds us that men too have parenting responsibilities, and you might get a useful tip.
DO praise men who publicly prioritize their parenting responsibilities, like Speaker Paul Ryan who has insisted on minimizing travel and spending weekends with his family.
DON'T praise working mothers for "doing it all."
While kindly intended, the admiration suggests what she is doing is
rare. And it should be. Good intentions make these comments no less
harmful. Flattery that assumes that women are the weaker sex is "benevolent sexism." While the comments may feel good to hear, like "Wow – beauty and
brains," they reinforce dangerous stereotypes. Repeated experiments
demonstrate that women exposed to benevolently sexist remarks perform
worse on cognitive tests. Even worse, they accept more restrictions on their behavior, circumscribing their aspirations.
DO use the word "parent" rather than "mom," to avoid slipping into gender bias.
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DO know that supporting women may come at a cost to you.
Spouses may need to take on more parenting or
household management responsibilities and, dare I say, possibly more
than 50 percent. You may lose a promotion to an equally qualified female
colleague. Comfort yourself by recalling the many unearned advantages
you have had, and know that another opportunity will likely arise much
more quickly for you than for any of your female colleagues.
DO reflect on whether your work environment is supportive of women.
In the male-dominated field of politics, I often
hear men express frustration with the gender imbalance in our industry.
They see the problem. But I rarely hear them reflect on whether their
office culture is supportive of women. If your company or organization
struggles to attract female job candidates, you may be unknowingly
producing an office culture that is uncomfortable for women. Ask them
about it.
The women who follow the advice from the Barbara
Lee Foundation will surely do well. But with help from the men, we can
also change the sexist culture their guidance reflects, and put their
report where it belongs – filed away with the home economics textbooks
and dowry records.
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